Where can we talk honestly about empty nesting?

When you hang out in the same online spaces as your family, things get dicey.

I’m pondering how and where we can talk openly online, parent-to-parent, without trampling on our adult kids’ privacy- and parental TMI limits. 🤔

The privacy thing

How do I talk about empty nesting with enough specificity to be useful when it’s all knotted up with the private lives of my kids, husband and mom?

I’ve wrestled with this for a while.

I tried to sidestep the issue before I started this newsletter by asking each of my family members for their privacy guidelines. With clarity and their explicit blessings in my back pocket — perhaps naively — I didn’t anticipate running into the bumps I have.

Turns out writing about our lives is complicated because our lives are complicated, which makes seeking out community on the Internet complicated as well.

The gang’s all here

In part, the privacy issue is an audience issue. The “we” I write for is you: primarily, an audience of peers. But this being the Internet, anyone can drop by, including my family members.

Which is great. I love being able to share what I do with my family. My husband and Mom and father in-law are here, my cousin’s here, extended family… I’m so grateful they’re interested and supportive. My kids aren’t regulars (that I know of) but should they read this newsletter now or in the future, I like that they will see a different side of me.

And.

… and all this overlap complicates storytelling because we’re living what I’m writing about in real time.¹

The observer effect

Respecting my family’s privacy boundaries involves more than just safeguarding their personal details. I also need to be cognizant of the observer effect: that the act of talking about my life changes it.

There’s only so much I can say about parenting (or marriage or supporting my Mom) before the narrative affects my family members’ narratives.

I’ve always been up front with my kids about my feelings. Hopefully I didn’t go full TMI when they lived at home, but they generally knew what was up with me.

Since they’ve moved out, I’ve gradually lowered the volume on my “feeling” talk. Not so much as to be distant or fake — they’d spot manufactured “chill” a mile away. But enough to help them feel confident I’m managing and even enjoying life as an empty nester. Fly! Be free! I’m okay! I’m growing, too!

It’s such a fine line. I believe in modeling imperfection² — it’s easier to accept your own mess-ups when you’ve watched your parents fumble with theirs. But I don’t want to add “worry about Mom” to the list of pressures in their quasi-independent lives.

Our messy stories are important

All that is to say: it can be difficult to walk the line between specificity and privacy when talking about one’s family life online. Nevertheless, I keep looking for a way to do it. I want to push myself to more skillfully navigate this territory.

It’s so important for us to be able to share the messiness of our day-to-day lives with each other. Not overshare, mind you, but be real, so we can see ourselves in each others’ stories and learn from each others’ experiences.

How else will we know we’re not alone in the joys, terrors, frustrations, and wonder of this stage?

Other writers are working through these challenges with grace, heart and humor:

Liz Gumbinner

,

Courtney Martin

,

Christine Koh

,

Meagan Francis

,

Jenna Park

,

Catherine Newman

,

Julie Lythcott-Haims

,

Claire Zulkey

. (Who’s missing from this list? Please share in the comments.)

I also intend to make occasional use of the paywall when I want more privacy or a smaller audience on a particular post. I had a private chat space in mind, but I’ve shelved that idea for now. I’m not yet clear how (or how often) I want to employ the paywall, so for now I’ll just use it as needed.

💬 How have the privacy boundaries shifted in your family? Do you know of other writers (or podcasters or other online communities) who manage family privacy issues well?

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Thanks for reading Parent of Adults. I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults, and this newsletter is my invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest. Because 🪹🤷🏽‍♀️⁇

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1. This is an amusing parallel to the cringiness young people often feel when parents show up in their online spaces. Which is why I keep my head low on my kids’ Instagram accounts.

2. In 2016, Christine and I recorded a podcast episode about why modeling imperfection is a good thing. I’ve come back to that conversation several times over the years.