Definitely relate. I have been writing publicly on a blog since 2004 and yes, my 5 children and darling husband have been main characters in my musings. But the kids are grown lol bing their best adult lives and two of the grandkids are now teens. The last few years I really have become more aware and sensitive to that their lives are their stories to tell if they choose. If I do write about them it is with their blessings. It’s a challenge and a learning process for sure.
My husband gets the free version of my newsletter but not the paid version which is exactly as it should be.
I removed his mother as a subscriber when I wrote something about how I was mad at him and she blabbed about it to him like "I heard you were in trouble." Not cool.
also, in the interest of their privacy I asked my kids if they think I should wind down my newsletter in the next year or two as they start to approach milestone ages (10 and 13.) I think I was sort of hoping they'd say yes so I could have an official reason to rest. They said no, keep going!
Oof. Feeling this one, bigtime. I spent years and years trying to figure out how not to infringe on my kids with my writing—always trying to balance their privacy against my experiences—and for the most part, I think I did okay. These days it’s not my kids I’m worried about—it’s my parents. My day-to-day is far less about the kids, now that they’re adults (and—thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster—doing well), and much more about navigating my aging parents’ needs. (And facing a lot of stuff about my childhood that I thought I’d already come to terms with, but NOPE.) There’s so much I know other Gen Xers are also balancing, but I can’t discuss it publicly anywhere my folks might see. 🤦🏻♀️
And that’s… fine, I guess. I have friends I can (and do) commiserate with. But it’s not the same as when I could say HEY HERE IS THIS THING I AM HANDLING POORLY and the Internet piped up OMG ME TOO and I could gather different perspectives, tips, etc. I miss that.
You got me started blogging, years ago, but it was for my children that I stopped. Honestly, as soon as my family members and in-person friends found the blog it changed in significant ways and was never as helpful to me afterwards. Anonymity had been so freeing. I hope we can find a way to be that open here together.
I feel all of this so much! My kids (particularly my oldest, who is 20), are VERY careful about what they post on social media, way more so than most adults I know. Because of that, I am even more reluctant to share ANYthing about them online in any public forum, even though sometimes I'd really like to. In the end, I absolutely respect and even admire their understanding of the infinity shelf life of the internet.
You put your finger on something that I just realized held me back from blogging way back when. I've been a member of a private forum for 20+ years. That's where I'm able to have those conversations. My husband is also a member of that forum, so I've been very circumspect about our marriage online, even though he's not active in the forum, I know he can see what I write there. But my point is, I'm lucky that I had a space to talk about stuff that wasn't public, but was still with people from all over with different experiences than I had. Of course, it's changed as kids grew up and had very different experiences and issues, and even there, people posted less about their kids as they got older, mindful of their privacy. I don't know the answer to your question, honestly. I'm looking forward to the mailbag posts, because I'm so curious about how others are navigating these issues, and maybe I have something to add.
Things become even more complicated when one writes about not just adult kids but teen grandkids. How to respect their privacy too. Our adult children have been out of the house for over 30 years and we are still in our early 70s (we were very young parents). We cheerfully bid all good bye ( only one of the 3 now lives our state after being far away for 12 years) but we now feel we may need more of their support as we age. We’re still in good shape but see our friends in varying states of decline. How do we ask them to start taking over more of our needs, even if just emotional needs. Since they have really only known us as young parents, it’s a shock to them to think of us as “old.” Our eldest is only 20 years younger than we are so we wonder if they are also in denial of their own aging. How to navigate?
I couldn’t wait to read this piece when it showed up in my inbox today, Asha! I relate to all of this, including much of what has been shared in the comments here. My kids are now 23, 21 and 18 and, along with my husband, they’ve all all been part of my writing over the years, beginning when I wrote for parenting magazines back in the day (my kids gave me so many great ideas for those “ages + stages” pieces!), then essays in these publications and later on my blog/lifestyle site. While they weren’t the primary focus of my lifestyle site (I was writing less about parenting and more about health/wellness there for many years), of course they were a big part of that personal journey. And now, here on Substack where midlife and parenting adult children are big parts of what I am digging into, figuring out in real time and sharing with my community, I’m back writing about them more--and I am grappling at times with being respectful of their own stories and privacy while also trying to share as honestly and deeply as possible. I know they’re reading, at least some of the time. Considering extended family members is also on my mind, as I have both my mom and dad and two of my beloved aunts as subscribers, too (paid subscribers at that, so the paywalled idea is great, but...).
It’s all so interesting, this stage of parenting and long-term partnership. It also happens to be a time when I’m feeling, in many ways, more alive, confident and excited about my writing and where I am at creatively and professionally. So I am going with it, taking it as it comes, and doing my best to be mindful while also being true to myself.
Thank you for writing about this! It’s definitely on my mind and it’s interesting to learn how others are navigating it all. (My newsletter is Moving Through here--would love to connect with others in similar stages of life!)
I appreciate the shout out m'dear and you know this is something that I have wrestled with, well, for what seems like forever since stumbling into internet writing all those years ago. It takes ongoing work -- I find myself continuously evaluating and rewriting to ensure that I am being respectful, even when I'm writing about something as silly (though useful) as underwear!
I hear you. I was a guest on a podcast to discuss grief. My intent was to NOT name my kids. "My son" and "my daughter" was fine. The host -- who happens to be a friend -- named them. Will my kids ever hear it? Probably not. My daughter is a blogger and influencer. Her perspective is her story to tell...and she has a bit. My son is open with his close friends, but doesn't have much of a online presence. I should have stopped the recording there and let her know that I'd rather not name them. I didn't. The likelihood of any listeners actually googling my kids' names is remote at best. Sigh.
I have no answers, Asha, and there aren't any right ones. One of the reasons why I left IG was because my kids (and some of their friends!) follow me and I was way more active on posting than any of them were (the post like 4 times a year). I'm pretty transparent and honest online so sometimes I have felt a bit self conscious. They don't read this newsletter, but I know some other family members do. I remember many years ago when I wandered into my dad's room and saw my old blog on his computer screen and I was mortified 😂. As subscriber numbers get bigger here, I'm again faced with the discomfort of "letting it all out" that I felt with the blog. Writing started out as self-therapy, but now it's something different. More eyes, more self-doubt...My one nostalgic kid loves that the blog is an archive of her childhood years - not her specifically but our family life. The other non-sentimental kid couldn't care less haha!
I think I’ve always just tried to ask myself, is this my story to tell? I’m sure there are some people who would disagree with my answer at times! But it’s worked for me pretty well. In my early days of blogging I just asked myself, would this hurt or humiliate my kids one day? Because that’s never worth the “clicks.” I’m hoping I did OK by them.
I always tell them if there’s anything you want me to take down just say the word. (The only request so far has been for a photo that, years later, the subject thought was unflattering ha.)
Definitely relate. I have been writing publicly on a blog since 2004 and yes, my 5 children and darling husband have been main characters in my musings. But the kids are grown lol bing their best adult lives and two of the grandkids are now teens. The last few years I really have become more aware and sensitive to that their lives are their stories to tell if they choose. If I do write about them it is with their blessings. It’s a challenge and a learning process for sure.
My husband gets the free version of my newsletter but not the paid version which is exactly as it should be.
I removed his mother as a subscriber when I wrote something about how I was mad at him and she blabbed about it to him like "I heard you were in trouble." Not cool.
also, in the interest of their privacy I asked my kids if they think I should wind down my newsletter in the next year or two as they start to approach milestone ages (10 and 13.) I think I was sort of hoping they'd say yes so I could have an official reason to rest. They said no, keep going!
Oof. Feeling this one, bigtime. I spent years and years trying to figure out how not to infringe on my kids with my writing—always trying to balance their privacy against my experiences—and for the most part, I think I did okay. These days it’s not my kids I’m worried about—it’s my parents. My day-to-day is far less about the kids, now that they’re adults (and—thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster—doing well), and much more about navigating my aging parents’ needs. (And facing a lot of stuff about my childhood that I thought I’d already come to terms with, but NOPE.) There’s so much I know other Gen Xers are also balancing, but I can’t discuss it publicly anywhere my folks might see. 🤦🏻♀️
And that’s… fine, I guess. I have friends I can (and do) commiserate with. But it’s not the same as when I could say HEY HERE IS THIS THING I AM HANDLING POORLY and the Internet piped up OMG ME TOO and I could gather different perspectives, tips, etc. I miss that.
You got me started blogging, years ago, but it was for my children that I stopped. Honestly, as soon as my family members and in-person friends found the blog it changed in significant ways and was never as helpful to me afterwards. Anonymity had been so freeing. I hope we can find a way to be that open here together.
I feel all of this so much! My kids (particularly my oldest, who is 20), are VERY careful about what they post on social media, way more so than most adults I know. Because of that, I am even more reluctant to share ANYthing about them online in any public forum, even though sometimes I'd really like to. In the end, I absolutely respect and even admire their understanding of the infinity shelf life of the internet.
You put your finger on something that I just realized held me back from blogging way back when. I've been a member of a private forum for 20+ years. That's where I'm able to have those conversations. My husband is also a member of that forum, so I've been very circumspect about our marriage online, even though he's not active in the forum, I know he can see what I write there. But my point is, I'm lucky that I had a space to talk about stuff that wasn't public, but was still with people from all over with different experiences than I had. Of course, it's changed as kids grew up and had very different experiences and issues, and even there, people posted less about their kids as they got older, mindful of their privacy. I don't know the answer to your question, honestly. I'm looking forward to the mailbag posts, because I'm so curious about how others are navigating these issues, and maybe I have something to add.
Things become even more complicated when one writes about not just adult kids but teen grandkids. How to respect their privacy too. Our adult children have been out of the house for over 30 years and we are still in our early 70s (we were very young parents). We cheerfully bid all good bye ( only one of the 3 now lives our state after being far away for 12 years) but we now feel we may need more of their support as we age. We’re still in good shape but see our friends in varying states of decline. How do we ask them to start taking over more of our needs, even if just emotional needs. Since they have really only known us as young parents, it’s a shock to them to think of us as “old.” Our eldest is only 20 years younger than we are so we wonder if they are also in denial of their own aging. How to navigate?
I couldn’t wait to read this piece when it showed up in my inbox today, Asha! I relate to all of this, including much of what has been shared in the comments here. My kids are now 23, 21 and 18 and, along with my husband, they’ve all all been part of my writing over the years, beginning when I wrote for parenting magazines back in the day (my kids gave me so many great ideas for those “ages + stages” pieces!), then essays in these publications and later on my blog/lifestyle site. While they weren’t the primary focus of my lifestyle site (I was writing less about parenting and more about health/wellness there for many years), of course they were a big part of that personal journey. And now, here on Substack where midlife and parenting adult children are big parts of what I am digging into, figuring out in real time and sharing with my community, I’m back writing about them more--and I am grappling at times with being respectful of their own stories and privacy while also trying to share as honestly and deeply as possible. I know they’re reading, at least some of the time. Considering extended family members is also on my mind, as I have both my mom and dad and two of my beloved aunts as subscribers, too (paid subscribers at that, so the paywalled idea is great, but...).
It’s all so interesting, this stage of parenting and long-term partnership. It also happens to be a time when I’m feeling, in many ways, more alive, confident and excited about my writing and where I am at creatively and professionally. So I am going with it, taking it as it comes, and doing my best to be mindful while also being true to myself.
Thank you for writing about this! It’s definitely on my mind and it’s interesting to learn how others are navigating it all. (My newsletter is Moving Through here--would love to connect with others in similar stages of life!)
Thoughts on paywalled/private chat just for Parent of Adults subscribers? I'm open to the idea, but also wary of overload. Reply here in the comments or on Notes: https://substack.com/profile/4267444-asha-dornfest/note/c-50699240?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2jgs4
I appreciate the shout out m'dear and you know this is something that I have wrestled with, well, for what seems like forever since stumbling into internet writing all those years ago. It takes ongoing work -- I find myself continuously evaluating and rewriting to ensure that I am being respectful, even when I'm writing about something as silly (though useful) as underwear!
I hear you. I was a guest on a podcast to discuss grief. My intent was to NOT name my kids. "My son" and "my daughter" was fine. The host -- who happens to be a friend -- named them. Will my kids ever hear it? Probably not. My daughter is a blogger and influencer. Her perspective is her story to tell...and she has a bit. My son is open with his close friends, but doesn't have much of a online presence. I should have stopped the recording there and let her know that I'd rather not name them. I didn't. The likelihood of any listeners actually googling my kids' names is remote at best. Sigh.
I have no answers, Asha, and there aren't any right ones. One of the reasons why I left IG was because my kids (and some of their friends!) follow me and I was way more active on posting than any of them were (the post like 4 times a year). I'm pretty transparent and honest online so sometimes I have felt a bit self conscious. They don't read this newsletter, but I know some other family members do. I remember many years ago when I wandered into my dad's room and saw my old blog on his computer screen and I was mortified 😂. As subscriber numbers get bigger here, I'm again faced with the discomfort of "letting it all out" that I felt with the blog. Writing started out as self-therapy, but now it's something different. More eyes, more self-doubt...My one nostalgic kid loves that the blog is an archive of her childhood years - not her specifically but our family life. The other non-sentimental kid couldn't care less haha!
I think I’ve always just tried to ask myself, is this my story to tell? I’m sure there are some people who would disagree with my answer at times! But it’s worked for me pretty well. In my early days of blogging I just asked myself, would this hurt or humiliate my kids one day? Because that’s never worth the “clicks.” I’m hoping I did OK by them.
I always tell them if there’s anything you want me to take down just say the word. (The only request so far has been for a photo that, years later, the subject thought was unflattering ha.)