To the parents of graduates

This moment is for you, too.

Johnston Hall, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities

My daughter — the youngest of my two kids — graduates from college this weekend. “Such a major milestone for you,” texted my sister in-law. I appreciated her thoughtful acknowledgement that this moment is big for my daughter and me.

Delight, pride, wonder, awe; I hold them high like a fistful of candy-colored balloons, jostling in the breeze. A billowing joy.

But there, trailing just behind: a shadow of loss, faint enough I can almost ignore it.

Almost.

Do you see the shadow, too?

Are we allowed to see it?

As we’re pushed toward relentless cheer, are we allowed to feel something deeper, truer? As we celebrate our graduate, are we allowed a private moment for grief?

Let us remind each other that we don’t need permission.

On a day shining with promise, let us pause in the shadow. For just a few beats, as our hearts swell, let us allow them to ache.

Let us take our place among parents who’ve stood or will one day stand where we are, looking back with love and longing.

Let us feel the weight of our children’s’ absence, their transformation, their growing up, and ours as well.

Let us turn toward a future we don’t control. Let us acknowledge the uncertainty that has accompanied us all along.

Let us witness the gorgeous immensity of this moment, its grief and beauty, its shadow and light.

Let us honor all we’ve carried so we can begin to let it go.

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📝 NOTES OF NOTE

• If it wasn’t already obvious, now you know why this newsletter’s logo is the dandelion, with its delicate-yet-hardy seeds carried by the wind to parts unknown.

• 😭💙😭💙

• Part of what I love about

  Meagan Francis
  ’s new book, The Last Parenting Book You’ll Ever Read, is her willingness to explore the grief inherent in parenting adults, even for those (like me) who struggled during the little kid years. More about the book at Amazon and Bookshop.org (affiliate links).

• Meagan wrote a beautiful essay about this in her book tour wrap-up. I’m slowly making my way through the replays of all her live conversations. What a wealth of wisdom and camaraderie.

• Also wonderful: Meagan’s conversation with my pal and former co-host

  Christine Koh
  on the Edit Your Life podcast. Christine is a skilled and compassionate interviewer.

• Here’s my Substack Live conversation with Meagan, in which we discuss why being the parent of young adults can feel so lonely.

• If I were ever to get a tattoo, it would be a dandelion.

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Thanks for reading Parent of Adults. I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults, and this newsletter is my invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest.

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