This was such a lovely thing for me to read today. My oldest daughter just graduated from college 3 weeks ago. (My youngest will graduate next year so it’s a true “time of life” in our family.) I struggle with wanting to be positive for her while also acknowledging that this is hard. I love the roses/dog shit analogy. I feel sure that she would roll her eyes if I used it right now but it’s definitely applicable to how I want to talk to her…acknowledge how hard things are and then point her to at lease one positive and encourage her to persevere. Thank you!
Thank you for letting me know this spoke to you, Kandi. And that I’m not alone! This “time of life” feels vast, and yet the only way through it for me is with very small steps. Perhaps that’s the only way through everything. Congrats to your daughter (and you) on graduation — so wonderful.
"There are no clear-cut answers or timelines." Amen. However, it has taken me a while to get to this thinking. I'd feel very panicked when my three older kids weren't adhering to the "timeline" in my head when I looked around at everyone else's kids. I'd needle them to get on track and think judgy things in my head. And maybe the pandemic helped change that thinking for me or maybe it's just age and realizing that it's all make believe, but with my fourth kid (who ust graduated from college), I feel much more relaxed about his trajectory. I now see how hard the 20s can be but also, filled with possibility. I want to encourage him to focus on the latter and set his own timeline and (hopefully) sit on my hands on the sidelines and cheer him on. ALSO: that chicken salad. Gah. Making next week. xo
"It has taken me a while to get to this thinking." Me too, Amy. My kids' temperaments and school experiences (from kindergarten on) have barely resembled mine, and my family has rarely-if-ever adhered to the "timeline."
“It’s not about denying hard things or pretending they don’t exist! It’s about taking a wider view and then choosing where to focus your energy.” THISSSSSSS ALL DAY THISSSSSSSS
I know the rose and the dog shit is an analogy but I have a rose bush with dog shit under it. I can’t see it but when I go outside to work around my rose bush, I smell the shit. I hope the shit in your life doesn’t drowned out the smell of the roses.
Oh Asha, your mindset is usually where I'm aiming to be. Your wisdom finds me just when I need it.
My youngest has one more college year and seems to know where he's going. The field isn't easy, but I think he'll be ok. His brother, much a Covid college kid, is wandering. Literally. He outfitted his suv, and now a minivan, with solar panels, a fridge and a bed. He drove all over last year, from July 4 til Thanksgiving. He's back at it again, texting me from Montreal.
I'm worried that he feels he can't date until he's stable. Maybe true, maybe someone else wants to wander. Maybe they'd be enough to have him hold still. I worry that he's maybe avoiding the career search by earning money as he needs it thru Craig's list and spending hardly any.
But when I smell the roses, I realize that as a History and Spanish major, that boy has learned electronics. He's repairing his own car. He's visited, by car/bike, all of the lower 48. He's gonna be ok. It might be that he's better at smelling for roses than I am.
WOW, JILL. Thank you for this remarkable update on your family, and your son's journey (automotive and otherwise). I think about the courage and self-possession it takes to do something like that and I'm just full of awe.
This was such a lovely thing for me to read today. My oldest daughter just graduated from college 3 weeks ago. (My youngest will graduate next year so it’s a true “time of life” in our family.) I struggle with wanting to be positive for her while also acknowledging that this is hard. I love the roses/dog shit analogy. I feel sure that she would roll her eyes if I used it right now but it’s definitely applicable to how I want to talk to her…acknowledge how hard things are and then point her to at lease one positive and encourage her to persevere. Thank you!
Thank you for letting me know this spoke to you, Kandi. And that I’m not alone! This “time of life” feels vast, and yet the only way through it for me is with very small steps. Perhaps that’s the only way through everything. Congrats to your daughter (and you) on graduation — so wonderful.
"There are no clear-cut answers or timelines." Amen. However, it has taken me a while to get to this thinking. I'd feel very panicked when my three older kids weren't adhering to the "timeline" in my head when I looked around at everyone else's kids. I'd needle them to get on track and think judgy things in my head. And maybe the pandemic helped change that thinking for me or maybe it's just age and realizing that it's all make believe, but with my fourth kid (who ust graduated from college), I feel much more relaxed about his trajectory. I now see how hard the 20s can be but also, filled with possibility. I want to encourage him to focus on the latter and set his own timeline and (hopefully) sit on my hands on the sidelines and cheer him on. ALSO: that chicken salad. Gah. Making next week. xo
"It has taken me a while to get to this thinking." Me too, Amy. My kids' temperaments and school experiences (from kindergarten on) have barely resembled mine, and my family has rarely-if-ever adhered to the "timeline."
“It’s not about denying hard things or pretending they don’t exist! It’s about taking a wider view and then choosing where to focus your energy.” THISSSSSSS ALL DAY THISSSSSSSS
I know the rose and the dog shit is an analogy but I have a rose bush with dog shit under it. I can’t see it but when I go outside to work around my rose bush, I smell the shit. I hope the shit in your life doesn’t drowned out the smell of the roses.
Heh heh heh. As I recall my analogy was inspired by a real-life encounter. :-/
Oh Asha, your mindset is usually where I'm aiming to be. Your wisdom finds me just when I need it.
My youngest has one more college year and seems to know where he's going. The field isn't easy, but I think he'll be ok. His brother, much a Covid college kid, is wandering. Literally. He outfitted his suv, and now a minivan, with solar panels, a fridge and a bed. He drove all over last year, from July 4 til Thanksgiving. He's back at it again, texting me from Montreal.
I'm worried that he feels he can't date until he's stable. Maybe true, maybe someone else wants to wander. Maybe they'd be enough to have him hold still. I worry that he's maybe avoiding the career search by earning money as he needs it thru Craig's list and spending hardly any.
But when I smell the roses, I realize that as a History and Spanish major, that boy has learned electronics. He's repairing his own car. He's visited, by car/bike, all of the lower 48. He's gonna be ok. It might be that he's better at smelling for roses than I am.
thanks, as always
WOW, JILL. Thank you for this remarkable update on your family, and your son's journey (automotive and otherwise). I think about the courage and self-possession it takes to do something like that and I'm just full of awe.