The Rosebush and the Dog Sh*t
A parable for trying times + a chicken salad recipe
There's a rosebush with a big pile of dog crap underneath. Which one are you gonna sniff?
I actually said this to my son when he was in middle school. A-1 parenting? Perhaps not, but I was exasperated by his knee-jerk pessimism. I wanted to get across the idea that even in less-than-ideal circumstances, he had choices.
It’s not about denying hard things or pretending they don’t exist! It’s about taking a wider view and then choosing where to focus your energy.
He probably gave me an eyeroll. It wouldn’t be the first time, from him and others. People have been making fun of my sunny disposition since college.
I went to UC Berkeley in the late 80s. The culture was hyper-intellectual and the approved garb was cynicism. Cooler peers dismissed my cheerful enthusiasm (and, by extension, me) as ditzy, not worthy of serious attention or respect.
Those years were pretty lonely, but I eventually found my people. Funny to think back on it now that I’m in my IDGAF years. Today I’d give those whippersnappers some side-eye & the finger.
ANYWAY. This all comes to mind as my kids, now liberal arts graduates, are considering their next moves. Even with their many advantages, they face a daunting job market, career trajectories haunted by AI, an obstacle course of dating apps and a truly dark state of the nation. It’s rough out there.
My kids aren’t the only ones in this boat, of course, and the college-to-real-life transition is bound to be intimidating and messy. But I’d argue that our kids are uniquely affected because each one is an individual. Each has their own set of strengths, weaknesses, interests, histories, and neurotypes. The smooth, shiny path from graduation → job → life is less “normal” than many are willing to admit.
Before my kids will hear my talk of roses, they need to hear me acknowledge the dog shit. (Let’s not call it crap, we’re all adults here.)
They need me to believe them when they tell me things aren’t like they were when I graduated. Things aren’t like they were since they started college! The level of uncertainty is off the charts.
And I do believe them. I made that rosebush quip in the mid-2010s. Life looks very different now, and I acknowledge a bewildering array of dog shit.
🥀💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
That said, I maintain my commitment to our agency in the face of difficulty. What else do we have beyond our choice of response?
I don’t want to minimize the treacherous difficulty of it all — I want to normalize it. I want to say: You’re not alone in this. Keep going. You may not find THE way, but you’ll find YOUR way.
There are no clear-cut answers or timelines. There will be good and bad days. Good and bad choices. Good and bad luck. What will you pick out of that pile and weave into the narrative of your life? What will you file away as something you did versus something you are?
You could tamp down your enthusiasm, cross your arms against possibility, and wave off hope. You’ll seem cooler, and, to many, smarter.
But what if you asked yourself a braver question:
Do I have another choice?
How do you talk to your kids about hope without sounding dismissive? The phrase toxic positivity gets tossed around too easily, I think (topic of another newsletter, perhaps) but also I get that relentless bright-siding is a form of disrespect. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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📝 NOTES OF NOTE
- shared her own take on this topic in candid detail and with great heart. I’m so grateful to be in each others’ Substack universes (and comments). Read Critical thinking might be the only thing that matters in an automated world at .
I think everyone should read
’s pep talk for recent graduates about accepting and embracing uncertainty at . Read A Message For Recent Graduates: You’re the Boss NowSpread the word to recent grads: Heather wants to give them free 1-year paid subscriptions!
“Recent graduates should email askpolly@protonmail.com for a free one-year paid subscription. I was so afraid when I graduated from college — petrified, anxious, depressed, lonely, confused. You aren’t alone. Engaging with the people around you, finding the ones who make sense, signing up for activities and clubs that sound pretty terrible right now, daring to find a community (or 2 or 3 of them!) will slowly pay off and keep you afloat. Every single day is an experiment. One day, you’ll look back and say: Wow. I was so small, so afraid, but… I was so brave. p.s. Don’t drink too much. Every time you drink to excess, you erase your understanding of yourself and erode your confidence in subterranean ways. You need to see clearly right now.”
🍽️ A RECIPE
I often use dinner leftovers as the basis for a brunch- or lunch salad the next day. This salad begins with Illia Chicken, a recipe
shared in her newsletter . THIS CHICKEN!! I can’t stop making it.
Illia Chicken Salad
Leftover Illia Chicken, chilled and shredded
Chopped celery (jicama would be even better)
Chopped romaine lettuce (or finely shredded red cabbage, or both)
Cubed avocado (this salad begs for it, sadly I was out)
Chopped cilantro
Pickled onions (or sliced green onions)
A sprinkle of cotija or feta cheese
Radish slices
Optional: Sliced black olives, black beans, chopped red/orange bell pepper, crumbled tortilla chips…
Mayonnaise OR Greek yogurt + a splash of lemon or lime juice, or vinegar of choice, or brine from pickled onions
Salt and pepper to taste
Into a salad bowl: chicken, celery, and lettuce and/or cabbage. Add a tablespoon-ish of mayo or greek yogurt, mix well so the sauce from the chicken and mayo/yogurt combine into a creamy dressing. Correct seasoning with a splash of acid if necessary, and salt and pepper.
Add avocado and other optional additions, mix gently to combine. Garnish with radish slices, cilantro, onions, cheese. Possibilities abound! Anything that would be good on a taco would be good thrown into this salad.
Sit in a sunny spot and eat with relish. Not actual relish, you know what I mean.
🗄️ FROM THE ARCHIVES
Related reading
Thanks for reading Parent of Adults. I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults, and this newsletter is my invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest.
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“It’s not about denying hard things or pretending they don’t exist! It’s about taking a wider view and then choosing where to focus your energy.” THISSSSSSS ALL DAY THISSSSSSSS
Oh Asha, your mindset is usually where I'm aiming to be. Your wisdom finds me just when I need it.
My youngest has one more college year and seems to know where he's going. The field isn't easy, but I think he'll be ok. His brother, much a Covid college kid, is wandering. Literally. He outfitted his suv, and now a minivan, with solar panels, a fridge and a bed. He drove all over last year, from July 4 til Thanksgiving. He's back at it again, texting me from Montreal.
I'm worried that he feels he can't date until he's stable. Maybe true, maybe someone else wants to wander. Maybe they'd be enough to have him hold still. I worry that he's maybe avoiding the career search by earning money as he needs it thru Craig's list and spending hardly any.
But when I smell the roses, I realize that as a History and Spanish major, that boy has learned electronics. He's repairing his own car. He's visited, by car/bike, all of the lower 48. He's gonna be ok. It might be that he's better at smelling for roses than I am.
thanks, as always