It takes a lifetime and goes by in a flash
College graduation has got me thinking about the 2014 movie "Boyhood"
Mirabai’s college graduation was wonderful. The school years are officially over. And I’ve been a great big ball of feelings ever since.
When the kids were young and I was drowning in care, I’d bristle when older parents would wistfully tell me they grow up so fast. But now I get it. I’m stunned that a span of years that felt like a lifetime could also flash by in an instant.
It brings to mind a movie I saw when I was at a very different stage of parenting.
Have you seen Boyhood?
The 2014 movie tells the coming-of-age story of Mason Evans, Jr. from ages six to eighteen.
Writer/director Richard Linklater shot the film annually over 12 years so as the movie progresses we watch Mason (played by Ellar Coltrane) literally grow up.
That’s not even the whole of it:
The project began without a completed script, with only basic plot points and the ending written initially. Linklater developed the script throughout production, writing the next year's portion of the film after rewatching the previous year's footage. He incorporated changes he saw in each actor into the script, allowing all major actors to participate in the writing process by incorporating their life experiences into their characters' stories.
— Via Wikipedia (don’t read the whole entry unless you’re okay with spoilers.)
I saw Boyhood at a press screening in a little theater in northwest Portland. (In 2014, we bloggers weren’t “influencers,” we were press. Heh! Those were heady days.) I knew nothing about the film or Linklater’s earlier work which was perfect — my favorite way to watch a movie is to go in cold.
I took my seat ready for some popcorn and entertainment. What I got was a life-altering experience.
Watching Boyhood is like witnessing a kid’s entire childhood go by in three hours.
The movie begins with Mason as an adorable six-year old. It ends with him IN COLLEGE. WITH FACIAL HAIR.
At the time, my kids were in middle- and high school. These were intense years that occupied my whole being; I couldn’t imagine an offramp, let alone an ending.
As the credits rolled in that darkened theater, it hit me: my time with the kids won’t last forever. I knew this, obviously, but, for the first time, I felt it. Like a punch in the sternum.
Patricia Arquette plays Mason’s mother, Olivia. The conditions of Olivia’s life in Boyhood were different enough from mine that I didn’t fully identify with her at the time. But from where I’m standing now? 😳 The exhaustion and fierce love and unexpected grief…it’s all there in Arquette’s beautiful performance (she won an Oscar for the role).
Boyhood is a triumph of filmmaking. It’s one of my favorite movies, but I think I’ll wait a few months before I watch it again. If I watched it now I’m not sure if it would be cathartic or traumatic.
Have you seen Boyhood? Any other coming-of-age movies you’d recommend?
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NOTES OF NOTE
- ’s piece about fostering a culture of art-making in your family got me thinking about keeping the art supplies out and ready to use. It’s easy to think of art-making as a little kid activity, but art is for everyone including young adults home for the summer, and us. Read A family that makes art together at
Speaking of art supplies, here’s my tale of newbie art-dabbling: I’m calling it defiant joy.
Speaking of defiant joy, here’s
riffing on Nick Cave’s observation that hope is badass. Read Hopefulness is the warrior emotion at
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Thanks for reading. As always, this newsletter is meant as a conversation starter — I’d love to hear your comments.
I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults, and this is Parent of Adults, my weekly-ish invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest. 🪹🤷🏽♀️
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Congratulations on this milestone!
It's been awhile since I saw Boyhood so I don't remember details, but I do recall that I loved it and was intrigued by the whole premise of filming it across 12 years. I should find it to watch again know it will hit differently now.
Thanks for the shout-out!
Congratulations on this really big milestone! Another transition. When my daughter was about to enter kindergarten and having some big feelings about it, she said, "You know I don't like changes!" Me either, kid. My kids were in high school when that movie came out, and it hit HARD. I haven't seen it since. Not sure if I'd want to? Maybe. What I can say from the viewpoint of the late mid-20's is that you just never know how things are going to go. Between Covid and some other life challenges, I ended up with kids back at home after I'd thought they were gone (and I'd adjusted to my grief over what I thought was the end and how fast it all went). My parents, now in their early 80's, tell me that you never stop parenting. It just changes.