My kids are a little younger. Oldest is 20 and youngest is 16. My oldest is still living at home, though, and working so it's an odd mix of taking my hands off of things and letting him handle it, and then sticking them back in when he's struggling in a way that lifts him up rather than holding him down.
Case in point, he deals with a lot of medical stuff and I've been trying to mostly let him handle it-- make appointments, decide with his providers about treatment, etc. But recently he was struggling with one provider because they kept calling him at work when he couldn't answer the phone and his condition was spiraling. So, I offered to do some follow-up calls during the day. I sit at a desk. I have the space and time.
He got really upset because he felt like he should be able to do everything by himself. And I had to remind him that *I* don't do everything by myself. *No one* does everything by themselves. Getting help is how we survive this life. Interdependence is our saving grace.
Ooof Asha! First, thank you for sharing. Second, I have had the same conversation about interdependence, and how it’s not incompatible with adulthood. In fact, recognizing it is a SIGN of adulthood, and asking for help is a level up.
This is such a hard one! The myth/ethos of individualism is so strong in US culture. (Thinking of this because of today's Culture Study essay, probably.) I'm still working on learning how to accept support, even though I KNOW know that it is part of being a competent adult and a good-to-be-around human.
This absolutely is so hard. I think quite a bit about all the ways we separate ourselves from each other, as if we "should" be able to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders at all time. It's part of why I write this newsletter, to help normalize communal wisdom and support, as much for myself as anyone.
Another great book to add to that list is Elderhood by Louise Aronson and I just started The Menopause Brain by Lisa Mosconi. Reading about other womens’ beautiful journeys has been very helpful as I navigate empty nesting, divorce, and menopause all at once. Thank you, Asha!
With both of my kids, I am in a weird/tricky place because of their ages and their life circumstances. Both are 26, so of an age to be living independently, but neither are. One has been living with me for almost two years; she is married and has been waiting on a visa so that she can move to her husband's country. (It finally came, and she'll be moving away in August, which will bring a whole other set of challenges for me.) The other has been in and out of my home, for reasons I'll keep private. So, both are needing support but are old enough to really not want to need it and dealing with things that are hard. This makes mentorship (among other things) tricky, and I've sure stumbled at times with knowing how to be a supportive parent to adults who are fully adult in some ways but definitely not in others.
Thanks for sharing, Rita. I appreciate how tricky it is to navigate these waters, even though my particulars are different. Half of my family is from India, where children and parents live in totally different relationship to each other. Families are much more communal and interdependent (for good and for ill; American independence has its advantages and disadvantages, too, so I say this all with neutrality). It's not necessarily relevant, but it has been helpful for me to see different models for mentorship and parent/child connection, because it reminds me that the whole thing is way bigger than we are, and therefore, more spacious. Meagan Francis wrote about this some time ago. The archived post is now behind a paywall, but she offers it for free to new readers (I think that's how the "claim this post" button works, and I now wonder if that same button is in my own archives!). https://meaganfrancis.substack.com/p/my-20something-is-my-roommate-and
Thanks for the link; I definitely think of my daughter as a roommate, and I'm so thankful to have had the time with her that I have. It has opened up how I'm thinking about caring for my parents in the coming years. Have been having lots of discussions with my husband and friends about ideas of interdependence and communal living. My parents have an apartment over my dad's workshop, and my son is currently living there while going to school. There have definitely been challenges for all three of them, but I also see great gifts, for all of us. They live more than 3 hours north, and it has been so nice for me to have his eyes on them and their eyes on him. I'm interested in learning more about how to make closer living arrangements between generations work.
Honestly I don't know if I would give any "advice".
I might say engagement turns thinking into experience. Every experience will always be your gold, when looked at from the correct angle.
I might say, you will live many lives in this one lifetime. Always care for your body and your mind, for when you start with the next one.
I might say, don't label yourself, it will be outdated before you know it, (Don't get any tattoos, physical nor mental).
I might say, don't go deep into any hole, or get too invested into a cul-de-sac. Learn to recognize it from the shallow part.
I might say feeling is your best friend, it flags where you are.
I might say observe, and compare if you want to, but you will never be them, and they will never give a darn about you. It is only you that is in charge of you.
I might say that society is our best attempt, even though some people describe it differently. Consider what could be your part?
My kids are a little younger. Oldest is 20 and youngest is 16. My oldest is still living at home, though, and working so it's an odd mix of taking my hands off of things and letting him handle it, and then sticking them back in when he's struggling in a way that lifts him up rather than holding him down.
Case in point, he deals with a lot of medical stuff and I've been trying to mostly let him handle it-- make appointments, decide with his providers about treatment, etc. But recently he was struggling with one provider because they kept calling him at work when he couldn't answer the phone and his condition was spiraling. So, I offered to do some follow-up calls during the day. I sit at a desk. I have the space and time.
He got really upset because he felt like he should be able to do everything by himself. And I had to remind him that *I* don't do everything by myself. *No one* does everything by themselves. Getting help is how we survive this life. Interdependence is our saving grace.
Ooof Asha! First, thank you for sharing. Second, I have had the same conversation about interdependence, and how it’s not incompatible with adulthood. In fact, recognizing it is a SIGN of adulthood, and asking for help is a level up.
If I do one thing as a parent, I hope I teach them that much younger than I managed to finally really learn it.
Oh gosh this is SUCH AN IMPORTANT LESSON!! I too wish I'd learned it younger. Great job!
PS if we were all in person, I'd stand in between the two of you [people with the same name], and make a wish!
I sometimes call myself "the other Asha" on Substack. It's so fun so share a name!
This is such a hard one! The myth/ethos of individualism is so strong in US culture. (Thinking of this because of today's Culture Study essay, probably.) I'm still working on learning how to accept support, even though I KNOW know that it is part of being a competent adult and a good-to-be-around human.
This absolutely is so hard. I think quite a bit about all the ways we separate ourselves from each other, as if we "should" be able to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders at all time. It's part of why I write this newsletter, to help normalize communal wisdom and support, as much for myself as anyone.
I think normalizing communal support is such a great part of newsletters/blogs. Thankful for the work you're doing here.
Another great book to add to that list is Elderhood by Louise Aronson and I just started The Menopause Brain by Lisa Mosconi. Reading about other womens’ beautiful journeys has been very helpful as I navigate empty nesting, divorce, and menopause all at once. Thank you, Asha!
Oooooh! Very helpful, thank you Courtney! *switches tabs to my library catalog*
With both of my kids, I am in a weird/tricky place because of their ages and their life circumstances. Both are 26, so of an age to be living independently, but neither are. One has been living with me for almost two years; she is married and has been waiting on a visa so that she can move to her husband's country. (It finally came, and she'll be moving away in August, which will bring a whole other set of challenges for me.) The other has been in and out of my home, for reasons I'll keep private. So, both are needing support but are old enough to really not want to need it and dealing with things that are hard. This makes mentorship (among other things) tricky, and I've sure stumbled at times with knowing how to be a supportive parent to adults who are fully adult in some ways but definitely not in others.
Thanks for sharing, Rita. I appreciate how tricky it is to navigate these waters, even though my particulars are different. Half of my family is from India, where children and parents live in totally different relationship to each other. Families are much more communal and interdependent (for good and for ill; American independence has its advantages and disadvantages, too, so I say this all with neutrality). It's not necessarily relevant, but it has been helpful for me to see different models for mentorship and parent/child connection, because it reminds me that the whole thing is way bigger than we are, and therefore, more spacious. Meagan Francis wrote about this some time ago. The archived post is now behind a paywall, but she offers it for free to new readers (I think that's how the "claim this post" button works, and I now wonder if that same button is in my own archives!). https://meaganfrancis.substack.com/p/my-20something-is-my-roommate-and
Thanks for the link; I definitely think of my daughter as a roommate, and I'm so thankful to have had the time with her that I have. It has opened up how I'm thinking about caring for my parents in the coming years. Have been having lots of discussions with my husband and friends about ideas of interdependence and communal living. My parents have an apartment over my dad's workshop, and my son is currently living there while going to school. There have definitely been challenges for all three of them, but I also see great gifts, for all of us. They live more than 3 hours north, and it has been so nice for me to have his eyes on them and their eyes on him. I'm interested in learning more about how to make closer living arrangements between generations work.
Honestly I don't know if I would give any "advice".
I might say engagement turns thinking into experience. Every experience will always be your gold, when looked at from the correct angle.
I might say, you will live many lives in this one lifetime. Always care for your body and your mind, for when you start with the next one.
I might say, don't label yourself, it will be outdated before you know it, (Don't get any tattoos, physical nor mental).
I might say, don't go deep into any hole, or get too invested into a cul-de-sac. Learn to recognize it from the shallow part.
I might say feeling is your best friend, it flags where you are.
I might say observe, and compare if you want to, but you will never be them, and they will never give a darn about you. It is only you that is in charge of you.
I might say that society is our best attempt, even though some people describe it differently. Consider what could be your part?
.