I was more of a hardass about food and drink when my kids were small. Like you, my kids were mostly small pre-internet, so screens were a different factor in those days. We didn't have cable on our road, so it was only ever DVDs, which felt easy to control in terms of content and duration. But all of that fell by the wayside after their dad and I split. He threw out all nutritional boundaries at his house and there was nothing I could do about it. I was all of a sudden a single mom who had to lean into packaged food and the electronic babysitter. I was still kind of a hardass about sugar for a while there, but by the time my oldest was in middle school I was just tired and felt like I couldn't hold back the deluge anymore.
However, the kids are alright. They have more of a taste for junk than I would like, but they eat well and dutifully when I cook. They play video games (another thing their dad introduced), which I don't understand at all but it hasn't turned them into couch potatoes. They watch a lot of screens, but it's mostly videos on TikTok about the Israel-Gaza War and makeup and recipes, so I feel like at least they're educating themselves?
I don't regret what limits I've been able to maintain, but they've also faded over the years and I can't muster any guilt about it. They're good, thoughtful, kind, charming people. That's all I wanted, in the end.
Growing up, no tv until I was 8, but then only after we did our homework. Limited tv. and 8:30 bedtime. When I parented, we had no tv for years, and then we rarely watched it. Sugar..I never liked sweets so not an issue. didn't keep sugar in the house.
One of my favorite stories is that when my daughter was a toddler, she would walk up to the TV when a show/video was over and turn it off, instinctively. I remember once biting my tongue because I was on the verge of saying "honey, you can leave on" and why would I do that? Now, that didn't last too long, and my kids watched plenty of Disney Channel growing up. We watched Modern Family and Blackish as a family for a few years, and my daughter and I watched Riverdale and Grown-ish together until she went to college (we still watch What We Do In The Shadows together, and are watching The New Look with my husband). At 20 and 22, they really don't watch much TV(I assume they watch You Tube and streaming services on their phones occasionally).
We were lucky that there really wasn't the cell phone/I Pad technology back then, it was much easier. Our kids had Nintendo DSs, our rule was their homework + 20 minutes of reading (school set time) needed to be completed, then they could watch TV/lap top computer/DS. On weekends/school breaks, reading still needed to be done. Even on cars trips! Luckily, no one got car sick, lol.
As far as food, we had a "treat bucket" where candy from goody bags or stuff I bought went. I no longer remember how many pieces they were "allowed" but they had access to it after dinner, after they had time to "digest" (I don't remember if I made that up, or read it somewhere, to take a break before dessert, maybe it was to allow you body to figure out how full you were?)
My older cousin had told me a horror story about her first child needing a root canal at like age 4 because the trend in her group was to give juice, raisins and fruit leather above all snacks. So, no juice in my home, but they had it at birthday parties/kids meals. Fruit snacks went in the treat bucket (because it's candy) and those mini boxes of raisins occasionally. Chocolate pretty much left our house when my son had acne prone skin (I break out from chocolate as well, it's not always a myth) and is only now back in chocolate chip granola bars.
My kids were 10 when smart phones started to become common, and I am grateful all the time that they had a decade without them. The questions about how to manage them are complicated; not all screen time is equal, as your changed feelings about videogames attest to. I wanted my kids to live free from the negatives of social media, but I also wanted to guide and prepare them for the world in which they live. I thought it would be better for them to have some access to it while I could provide that from them. Knowing what we now know about the addictive nature of social media, the correlation between the advent of it and soaring mental illness rates in teens, and the ways in which it's being used to radicalize us, I'd keep my kids on dumb phones as long as possible. And I would work even harder on building an open, trusting, mutually respectful relationship, so that I might still have the kind of influence I would hope to have no matter what new things emerge. (Like you, I really wish I'd had a different understanding of video games and had listened more to my son on that one.)
First, don’t be too hard on yourself! Screens and sugar have become so much more ubiquitous in the past decade, it’s a constant struggle for all of us to manage our consumption of both.
I think it’s important to note that not all screen time is equal. I cut the cable when the 4-year-old became obsessed with Pillow Pets after seeing one commercial. I was OK with the kids watching cute little stories, not OK with them begging for random products. I switched their screen time to DVDs that we could control. They still brought home the latest fads from school, but we didn’t have endless discussions of what they could and couldn’t have.
Sugar was harder. I made soda an “eating-out-only” beverage. I cooked dinner most nights (nothing fancy, there was a lot of chicken-vegetable-starch) to limit processed foods. I made dessert a treat instead of a regular course. We talked a lot about healthy foods and physical activity. It got even harder as they got older and could buy themselves food. Getting them into sports helped, because then they wanted to be in better physical shape. The one thing I didn’t do was ban sugar outright, because I thought that would just make it more appealing.
sugar: I treated treats as just that. We ate dessert every night, and they had something for a snack after school, but I tried to offer treats enough that they didn't beg for them at other times. I also explained my personal rule of eating "good" treats (say Ghirardelli chocolate or homemade cakes) and skipping the crappy stuff (chocolate footballs. or store bought stuff) This just tends to keep the quantity down. More importantly tho, I think for the long run, was teaching them to help in the kitchen "Who wants to use a sharp knife?!" at a young age. That has proven to be huge, as they're now both great cooks.
Screens: I was a hard ass about the screens for a long time. Neither of my kids saw a screen until they were four. It was hard. Really hard. And I think it was worth it. We're not daytime screen people, so after they started seeing things, it was a family thing to do together- a 30 minute Thomas the Tank movie etc. I quit fighting it when I couldn't tell the difference between homework and screen play. And I really lost control when they pooled gifted money and bought a Playstation. At some point all I had left was a disapproving look to give them, and to make sure homework was done first. We usually traveled with car games and books, but on some long vacations we'd see a movie in the car one day.
I have always suggested to parents that they don't up the ante. (It will gradually up by itself, so don't offer anything more unnecessarily.) Don't assume they need sweets as a treat, and it won't become "normal." Don't assume they need a screen to alleviate boredom- when they're little they don't know to ask. Toss them crayons and paper. If that stops working, give them markers! (see what I mean about upping the ante?)
It's an interesting question! Our approach to both screen time and sugar was maybe a little different. My kids had access to ipads and tv when they were little and then iphones and video games as they got older. We didn't really put restrictions on the use of any of those things ... but what we did do is spend lots of time outside, insist that the kids participate in activities of their choosing (sports, robotics, choir, etc.) and spend time as a family learning to bake or play games or do yardwork or travel. By staying active and busy as a family the kids naturally had less time for screens. Similarly with sugar, our approach was to make sure where possible we'd eat meals as a family and the kids would eat what we cooked. We'd have sweets around but we'd also have lots of fruit and other healthy snacks. We didn't have soda at the house until the kids were older but we did let them order it at restaurants if they wanted. My kids are now 17, 19 and 20 and they have all put restrictions on themselves in terms of social media, phones and video games. They all get enjoyment and socialization out of these things but they also see the negatives (and have suffered them themselves) of social media and have self selected out in some cases. All three would most often choose water when given a choice of drink at a restaurant and whereas they all like ice cream and cookies they also regularly choose fruit, vegetables, nuts or granola as a snack. So I guess I'd say I'm happy with the approach (or non approach?) we used. By not making a big deal out of these things and providing/offering positive and healthy options the kids developed their own understanding of and relationship with both electronics and sugar.
When my 18 year old was young it was easier for us to limit screen time and sugar. His half siblings were significantly older and they just had a gaming system. He's had pretty much free reign since high school. He was always compliant when we limited the Easter and Halloween candy. He usually only had soda at parties and often had the parent call me to make sure it was ok (LOL!). The 16 year old is autistic and technology was a way they could (and can) deal with the world. There is no limit. They were also a candy thief, not much of a soda drinker though. We would put the candy up on the top of our dish hutch and that little stinker would get on a chair (and they eventually co-opted their older brother) and get it down.
We parented pre Internet but never really restricted TV time. We watched everything with our kids and discussed all. They have fond memories of discussing Star Trek and Star Wars and movies and even now they watch themselves on streaming with their kids. Fond memories. We couldn’t afford cable or video games. All kids were working at jobs or on the farm by age 14 so no time for screens. We use screens now to run our farm business and for my college teaching. Our youngest learned to program early so screen time was spent preparing for his future job. Their early comfort in the online and screen space has served them and us well. As for food once again, we had no money for processed or sugar treats. Everything was and still is homemade and home grown, skills my three grandkids are now also doing. Now I know not every one has the ability or the resources/space to live like this but we all love to farm, garden, and bake/cook. Time on screens and diet kind of works itself out.
Our philosophy around screen time and sugar were remarkably similar to yours. No TV or screens until age 2 or 3, but it was easier because no iPhones at the time. I was also a hard ass about sugar and soda, and that is in part to my terrible dental work and hygiene when I was a kid.
Thank you for these fascinating and helpful comments. I’m out of town with spotty connectivity (pst, take a peek at my Instagram) and will check back in as soon as that changes.
I tried to limit both junk food and screen time as a regular practice- which was somewhat successful. But what was more successful was on the positive side rather than the limiting side. It would feel weird, to both my 23-year-old and my 20-year-old, not to have fruit and vegetable with every meal, and possibly because of all the walks and hikes they took as kids, both of them realize that their bodies and minds feel better when they get some exercise every day.
Sugar is a food. We have it in the house and the kids eat it when they want. I was really scared of sugar when they were young because of all the demonization of it and I’m glad to have read authors like Virginia Sole-Smith and Aubrey Gordon to realize the fear of sugar is related to a fear of fatness. Different people are difference sizes and eating sugar or not isn’t going to change that. But I can teach my kids that food is food and their bodies will be what they will and it’s all good. And maybe they will have a little less hatred for their bodies than I did and a little less awareness of how they look at all times and just eat what they want and then move on with their day. Sugar is fine. Brush your teeth.
We limited screen time with our oldest two, now 20 and 22, to no TV on school nights. It is harder with our current 14 yo. Does playing youtube videos while doing homework count as screentime? I think all three now watch movies via streaming services for downtime. The college students don't limit themselves to the weekends.
We were not anti-sugar, but we did limit desserts to maybe once a week or special occasions like birthdays and holidays and did not keep soda in the house. The kids definitely learned to ask me for sweet foods and to ask their dad to stay out late. It is hard to say what food choices the college kids are making, but I know they have a good idea what a balanced meal looks like.
I was more of a hardass about food and drink when my kids were small. Like you, my kids were mostly small pre-internet, so screens were a different factor in those days. We didn't have cable on our road, so it was only ever DVDs, which felt easy to control in terms of content and duration. But all of that fell by the wayside after their dad and I split. He threw out all nutritional boundaries at his house and there was nothing I could do about it. I was all of a sudden a single mom who had to lean into packaged food and the electronic babysitter. I was still kind of a hardass about sugar for a while there, but by the time my oldest was in middle school I was just tired and felt like I couldn't hold back the deluge anymore.
However, the kids are alright. They have more of a taste for junk than I would like, but they eat well and dutifully when I cook. They play video games (another thing their dad introduced), which I don't understand at all but it hasn't turned them into couch potatoes. They watch a lot of screens, but it's mostly videos on TikTok about the Israel-Gaza War and makeup and recipes, so I feel like at least they're educating themselves?
I don't regret what limits I've been able to maintain, but they've also faded over the years and I can't muster any guilt about it. They're good, thoughtful, kind, charming people. That's all I wanted, in the end.
Growing up, no tv until I was 8, but then only after we did our homework. Limited tv. and 8:30 bedtime. When I parented, we had no tv for years, and then we rarely watched it. Sugar..I never liked sweets so not an issue. didn't keep sugar in the house.
One of my favorite stories is that when my daughter was a toddler, she would walk up to the TV when a show/video was over and turn it off, instinctively. I remember once biting my tongue because I was on the verge of saying "honey, you can leave on" and why would I do that? Now, that didn't last too long, and my kids watched plenty of Disney Channel growing up. We watched Modern Family and Blackish as a family for a few years, and my daughter and I watched Riverdale and Grown-ish together until she went to college (we still watch What We Do In The Shadows together, and are watching The New Look with my husband). At 20 and 22, they really don't watch much TV(I assume they watch You Tube and streaming services on their phones occasionally).
We were lucky that there really wasn't the cell phone/I Pad technology back then, it was much easier. Our kids had Nintendo DSs, our rule was their homework + 20 minutes of reading (school set time) needed to be completed, then they could watch TV/lap top computer/DS. On weekends/school breaks, reading still needed to be done. Even on cars trips! Luckily, no one got car sick, lol.
As far as food, we had a "treat bucket" where candy from goody bags or stuff I bought went. I no longer remember how many pieces they were "allowed" but they had access to it after dinner, after they had time to "digest" (I don't remember if I made that up, or read it somewhere, to take a break before dessert, maybe it was to allow you body to figure out how full you were?)
My older cousin had told me a horror story about her first child needing a root canal at like age 4 because the trend in her group was to give juice, raisins and fruit leather above all snacks. So, no juice in my home, but they had it at birthday parties/kids meals. Fruit snacks went in the treat bucket (because it's candy) and those mini boxes of raisins occasionally. Chocolate pretty much left our house when my son had acne prone skin (I break out from chocolate as well, it's not always a myth) and is only now back in chocolate chip granola bars.
My kids were 10 when smart phones started to become common, and I am grateful all the time that they had a decade without them. The questions about how to manage them are complicated; not all screen time is equal, as your changed feelings about videogames attest to. I wanted my kids to live free from the negatives of social media, but I also wanted to guide and prepare them for the world in which they live. I thought it would be better for them to have some access to it while I could provide that from them. Knowing what we now know about the addictive nature of social media, the correlation between the advent of it and soaring mental illness rates in teens, and the ways in which it's being used to radicalize us, I'd keep my kids on dumb phones as long as possible. And I would work even harder on building an open, trusting, mutually respectful relationship, so that I might still have the kind of influence I would hope to have no matter what new things emerge. (Like you, I really wish I'd had a different understanding of video games and had listened more to my son on that one.)
First, don’t be too hard on yourself! Screens and sugar have become so much more ubiquitous in the past decade, it’s a constant struggle for all of us to manage our consumption of both.
I think it’s important to note that not all screen time is equal. I cut the cable when the 4-year-old became obsessed with Pillow Pets after seeing one commercial. I was OK with the kids watching cute little stories, not OK with them begging for random products. I switched their screen time to DVDs that we could control. They still brought home the latest fads from school, but we didn’t have endless discussions of what they could and couldn’t have.
Sugar was harder. I made soda an “eating-out-only” beverage. I cooked dinner most nights (nothing fancy, there was a lot of chicken-vegetable-starch) to limit processed foods. I made dessert a treat instead of a regular course. We talked a lot about healthy foods and physical activity. It got even harder as they got older and could buy themselves food. Getting them into sports helped, because then they wanted to be in better physical shape. The one thing I didn’t do was ban sugar outright, because I thought that would just make it more appealing.
Good luck!
sugar: I treated treats as just that. We ate dessert every night, and they had something for a snack after school, but I tried to offer treats enough that they didn't beg for them at other times. I also explained my personal rule of eating "good" treats (say Ghirardelli chocolate or homemade cakes) and skipping the crappy stuff (chocolate footballs. or store bought stuff) This just tends to keep the quantity down. More importantly tho, I think for the long run, was teaching them to help in the kitchen "Who wants to use a sharp knife?!" at a young age. That has proven to be huge, as they're now both great cooks.
Screens: I was a hard ass about the screens for a long time. Neither of my kids saw a screen until they were four. It was hard. Really hard. And I think it was worth it. We're not daytime screen people, so after they started seeing things, it was a family thing to do together- a 30 minute Thomas the Tank movie etc. I quit fighting it when I couldn't tell the difference between homework and screen play. And I really lost control when they pooled gifted money and bought a Playstation. At some point all I had left was a disapproving look to give them, and to make sure homework was done first. We usually traveled with car games and books, but on some long vacations we'd see a movie in the car one day.
I have always suggested to parents that they don't up the ante. (It will gradually up by itself, so don't offer anything more unnecessarily.) Don't assume they need sweets as a treat, and it won't become "normal." Don't assume they need a screen to alleviate boredom- when they're little they don't know to ask. Toss them crayons and paper. If that stops working, give them markers! (see what I mean about upping the ante?)
It's an interesting question! Our approach to both screen time and sugar was maybe a little different. My kids had access to ipads and tv when they were little and then iphones and video games as they got older. We didn't really put restrictions on the use of any of those things ... but what we did do is spend lots of time outside, insist that the kids participate in activities of their choosing (sports, robotics, choir, etc.) and spend time as a family learning to bake or play games or do yardwork or travel. By staying active and busy as a family the kids naturally had less time for screens. Similarly with sugar, our approach was to make sure where possible we'd eat meals as a family and the kids would eat what we cooked. We'd have sweets around but we'd also have lots of fruit and other healthy snacks. We didn't have soda at the house until the kids were older but we did let them order it at restaurants if they wanted. My kids are now 17, 19 and 20 and they have all put restrictions on themselves in terms of social media, phones and video games. They all get enjoyment and socialization out of these things but they also see the negatives (and have suffered them themselves) of social media and have self selected out in some cases. All three would most often choose water when given a choice of drink at a restaurant and whereas they all like ice cream and cookies they also regularly choose fruit, vegetables, nuts or granola as a snack. So I guess I'd say I'm happy with the approach (or non approach?) we used. By not making a big deal out of these things and providing/offering positive and healthy options the kids developed their own understanding of and relationship with both electronics and sugar.
When my 18 year old was young it was easier for us to limit screen time and sugar. His half siblings were significantly older and they just had a gaming system. He's had pretty much free reign since high school. He was always compliant when we limited the Easter and Halloween candy. He usually only had soda at parties and often had the parent call me to make sure it was ok (LOL!). The 16 year old is autistic and technology was a way they could (and can) deal with the world. There is no limit. They were also a candy thief, not much of a soda drinker though. We would put the candy up on the top of our dish hutch and that little stinker would get on a chair (and they eventually co-opted their older brother) and get it down.
We parented pre Internet but never really restricted TV time. We watched everything with our kids and discussed all. They have fond memories of discussing Star Trek and Star Wars and movies and even now they watch themselves on streaming with their kids. Fond memories. We couldn’t afford cable or video games. All kids were working at jobs or on the farm by age 14 so no time for screens. We use screens now to run our farm business and for my college teaching. Our youngest learned to program early so screen time was spent preparing for his future job. Their early comfort in the online and screen space has served them and us well. As for food once again, we had no money for processed or sugar treats. Everything was and still is homemade and home grown, skills my three grandkids are now also doing. Now I know not every one has the ability or the resources/space to live like this but we all love to farm, garden, and bake/cook. Time on screens and diet kind of works itself out.
Our philosophy around screen time and sugar were remarkably similar to yours. No TV or screens until age 2 or 3, but it was easier because no iPhones at the time. I was also a hard ass about sugar and soda, and that is in part to my terrible dental work and hygiene when I was a kid.
Thank you for these fascinating and helpful comments. I’m out of town with spotty connectivity (pst, take a peek at my Instagram) and will check back in as soon as that changes.
I tried to limit both junk food and screen time as a regular practice- which was somewhat successful. But what was more successful was on the positive side rather than the limiting side. It would feel weird, to both my 23-year-old and my 20-year-old, not to have fruit and vegetable with every meal, and possibly because of all the walks and hikes they took as kids, both of them realize that their bodies and minds feel better when they get some exercise every day.
Sugar is a food. We have it in the house and the kids eat it when they want. I was really scared of sugar when they were young because of all the demonization of it and I’m glad to have read authors like Virginia Sole-Smith and Aubrey Gordon to realize the fear of sugar is related to a fear of fatness. Different people are difference sizes and eating sugar or not isn’t going to change that. But I can teach my kids that food is food and their bodies will be what they will and it’s all good. And maybe they will have a little less hatred for their bodies than I did and a little less awareness of how they look at all times and just eat what they want and then move on with their day. Sugar is fine. Brush your teeth.
We limited screen time with our oldest two, now 20 and 22, to no TV on school nights. It is harder with our current 14 yo. Does playing youtube videos while doing homework count as screentime? I think all three now watch movies via streaming services for downtime. The college students don't limit themselves to the weekends.
We were not anti-sugar, but we did limit desserts to maybe once a week or special occasions like birthdays and holidays and did not keep soda in the house. The kids definitely learned to ask me for sweet foods and to ask their dad to stay out late. It is hard to say what food choices the college kids are making, but I know they have a good idea what a balanced meal looks like.