Yup, I've been working on stopping the automatic reaction to this stuff as a To Do List to fix whatever the problem/vent is about...which would sometimes lead to me complaining to myself (and ok, my husband) that no one (my parents) ever did this for me & I figured it out, blah blah blah. AKA quiet internal resentment...even though no one actually ASKED me to do anything. So in reality, I should resent myself, not them. LOL. I'm learning to sit with their discomfort & feel grateful that they want to talk about any of it. Basically, I'm learning to pause. It's hard to let go of the worry bag.
I am "Supermom: Solver of All Problems". It took too long to realize that I needed to do more listening than talking, primarily with my son. Now I remember to ask, "What's my job here? To solve your problem, to tell you how to solve your problem, or just listen?" Clarifying my role has improved our relationship immensely!
I like the metaphor. I've always said that kids have a hot potato they don't want/can't hold anymore, so they give it away. Then I'm stuck with it and they're feeling better. I've even discussed it with the (more prone to do this) child and told him that instead of giving someone the potato, he needs to learn how to cool it down.
I teach this concept to preschoolers with another metaphor: putting "angry paint" on other people and how they can calm themselves down instead. But both of those rely on the stressed out child to calm themselves, when I know this is a lifetime practice and neither preschooler nor college student is as equipped as an adult. Maybe I'll see if I can keep from absorbing the stress by thinking of the garbage bag metaphor next time.
I also have (occasionally) asked him "do you want advice or do you want to vent?" and found that my response was calmer when I held myself to that answer.
Love this metaphor. I often jump too quickly into problem solving mode or absorb all the negative vibes myself. As my son prepares to go to college this fall, I’m finding your wisdom great food for thought as I begin to navigate the empty nest years and face the challenges of parenting from afar. Thank you!
Asha, this is so funny bc this same metaphor of Lisa’s changed the way I talk to my teenaged and young adult children as well! It’s just brilliant. Truly the best. Thanks for reminding me of it!
How I respond to the “Everything Sucks” phone call
Yup, I've been working on stopping the automatic reaction to this stuff as a To Do List to fix whatever the problem/vent is about...which would sometimes lead to me complaining to myself (and ok, my husband) that no one (my parents) ever did this for me & I figured it out, blah blah blah. AKA quiet internal resentment...even though no one actually ASKED me to do anything. So in reality, I should resent myself, not them. LOL. I'm learning to sit with their discomfort & feel grateful that they want to talk about any of it. Basically, I'm learning to pause. It's hard to let go of the worry bag.
I am "Supermom: Solver of All Problems". It took too long to realize that I needed to do more listening than talking, primarily with my son. Now I remember to ask, "What's my job here? To solve your problem, to tell you how to solve your problem, or just listen?" Clarifying my role has improved our relationship immensely!
I like the metaphor. I've always said that kids have a hot potato they don't want/can't hold anymore, so they give it away. Then I'm stuck with it and they're feeling better. I've even discussed it with the (more prone to do this) child and told him that instead of giving someone the potato, he needs to learn how to cool it down.
I teach this concept to preschoolers with another metaphor: putting "angry paint" on other people and how they can calm themselves down instead. But both of those rely on the stressed out child to calm themselves, when I know this is a lifetime practice and neither preschooler nor college student is as equipped as an adult. Maybe I'll see if I can keep from absorbing the stress by thinking of the garbage bag metaphor next time.
I also have (occasionally) asked him "do you want advice or do you want to vent?" and found that my response was calmer when I held myself to that answer.
Love this metaphor. I often jump too quickly into problem solving mode or absorb all the negative vibes myself. As my son prepares to go to college this fall, I’m finding your wisdom great food for thought as I begin to navigate the empty nest years and face the challenges of parenting from afar. Thank you!
I love this reframing and will definitely use it.
Asha, this is so funny bc this same metaphor of Lisa’s changed the way I talk to my teenaged and young adult children as well! It’s just brilliant. Truly the best. Thanks for reminding me of it!