Going Dutch

We're hatching Big Life Plans in Amsterdam...again

Rael and I are on a long-delayed trip to the Netherlands. I’m writing to you from a dim hostel cafe in Amsterdam. It’s early and I’m drinking the free coffee, but the faint smell of beer lingers from last night. Not that I know what went on here last night…we passed out in our bunks at 9:30pm (which isn’t so different from what I do at home).

My blog’s birth story

In 2005, in a different Amsterdam cafe, another major life event took place: my blog, Parent Hacks, was born.

We were here because Rael was speaking at a conference. It was one of the first times he traveled on business which meant it was one of the first times someone else paid for his airfare and hotel, so I tagged along. On the way, we dropped the kids off with Rael’s parents in Pennsylvania. Sam and Mirabai were six and one-and-a-half and their grandparents were thrilled to have them to themselves for awhile.

In theory, I was excited about the trip; the early parenting years pummeled me and I craved time to myself. But we’d never been away from the kids for more than a weekend. As the plane lifted off, bound for a different continent, I gripped the armrests wondering if I’d made a huge mistake.

But my worry didn’t last. By the time we landed in Amsterdam my second thoughts had evaporated. Rael and I got ourselves from the airport to the conference hotel (how, pre-iPhone?). Our eyes widened as we walked into the lobby — we’d never stayed in such a fancy place.

From where we stood in Dam square, we could see the Hotel Krasnapolsky across the street. That was the fancy conference hotel we stayed at in 2005.

While Rael attended the conference, I visited museums and wandered among the canals and ate (all) the cheese and pastries. We reconvened in the evenings.

Between conference sessions, Rael and I huddled in cafes swapping big ideas as fast as we could get them out. At the time, he was the series editor of the O’Reilly Hacks books which offered unconventional solutions to common tech problems. I was still fumbling along as a parent and none of the conventional parenting wisdom seemed to apply to my life. “You know what someone should write,” I blurted at Rael. “A Baby Hacks book!”

Five months later (with Tim O’Reilly’s blessing and a less cringe-worthy title), I launched the Parent Hacks blog.

Starting a blog in 2005 makes me sound like a forward-thinking writer, but I was actually attempting to fill a hole in my life.

I was a struggling parent who hadn’t found my people. I hoped that by creating the virtual community I needed, like-minded parents would find me.

They did. Parent Hacks saved me as a mom. It also powered my career for over a decade.

The blog now lives on as a book, the babies have grown up, and I’m sitting in an Amsterdam cafe pondering questions not so different from the ones I was asking in 2005.

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There are uncanny parallels between empty nesting and new parenting.

There’s the bright line separating before and after, the vast range of experiences among parents, the chasm between expectation and reality, and the nagging worry one’s not doing it “right.” When I was a new mom I thought to myself: this is not what I expected. I feel the same way now.

“Empty nesting” doesn’t begin to describe the complex swirl of joy, grief, relief, excitement, and worry that comes with having adult kids — not to mention all the change in store for us.

I’m still shocked by the inadequacy of our language for this phase. Should we even call this a phase? Empty nesting lasts for the rest of our lives.

This trip has cracked open big questions about how Rael and I envision the next five to ten years. How do we want to spend them? What are our work goals? Do we want to downsize? What will our kids and my Mom need?

Married life is the confluence of two lives with their own distinct currents. The 2016 election, COVID, and my Dad’s death in 2020 changed us in different ways, so our answers to these big questions don’t exactly line up, not yet. We’re talking about where our dreams intersect and charting potential futures from there, knowing we can course correct as we go along.

Given our history, hatching Big Life Plans in Amsterdam feels rather poetic if not Nora Ephron-style corny. But I don’t mind corny. And I love full circles when I can slow down enough to notice them.

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Thanks for reading Parent of Adults, my invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest. I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults.

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