Co-regulation
How I'm thinking about activism at the moment
I haven’t said much online about the election results. If you’ve known me a while you know that’s very different from 2016, when I jumped into organizing almost immediately.
This time, it’s different. I’m stunned, not by the results themselves, but by the chain of events and conditions that brought us here. I have my theories as to why millions of Americans made such different choices, but my theories don’t matter. A new administration has been duly elected. What matters right now is finding a way to respond.
Last weekend, I went to a workshop on nervous system regulation. The presenter gave a short talk and led us through an exercise where we wrote down our somatic stress signals — identifying how stress specifically feels in our bodies. You’re probably familiar with physical signs of stress like shallow breath, a tight chest, and knit eyebrows, but each of us also has our own little tics. One of mine is resting my chin in my hand and covering my mouth with my fingers (which I’m doing right now).
The more attuned you are to your particular stress signals, the more quickly you can pivot toward calming strategies that regulate your nervous system and (hopefully) avert a meltdown.
The whole experience brought me back to early parenthood. My son was a sensitive toddler who didn’t nap, so tantrums seemed to lurk around every corner. The idea of sensory overload is obvious now, but as a new mom, I had no idea what to make of his outbursts. It was just him, me, and our ten-alarm nervous systems going off. 🚨
Just recalling that made my heart rate go up. Wait, that’s one of my stress signals!
Our exquisitely sensitive nervous systems react to cues from the people around us. When we’re in an uncomfortable situation, even a minor one, our nervous system registers threat and jumps into action to protect us. It goes in a positive direction, too; when we encounter cues that make us feel safe and comfortable, our nervous system calms and regulates.
Back to early parenting: I eventually figured out that the best way to help Sam mid-tantrum (at least not make things worse) was to first calm myself so his nervous system could begin to pick up on my cues. This is known as co-regulation. It’s so hard to do in the moment! Over time, I got better at it, but it took practice.
Sitting here, post-election, I’m thinking about co-regulation. I’m imagining millions of jangled nervous systems setting each other off, like car alarms in a crowded parking lot.
How will this play out over time? Is co-regulation even possible on a society level?
If it is possible, it would have to begin with individuals giving off tiny cues. The person who takes a deep breath instead of honking in 5pm traffic, or who manages a faint smile at the barista. Nothing saintly or heroic, just a small signal from one nervous system to another.
It’s a place to start.
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If you decide to comment, please keep the content constructive and your tone gentle as feelings are raw right now.
Notes of note
- gets at some of what I was trying to say in my last newsletter about person-to-person connection. Read Person to person at .
Tips and perspective from my friend and former Edit Your Life co-host
. Read What to do post-election at .Via my Instant Pot and Instagram:
Thanks for reading Parent of Adults. If you enjoyed this, let me know by clicking the ❤️ and sharing with friends. These small actions are so encouraging to me and my nervous system.
"Small acts of kindness, no matter how small are never wasted" ❤️ This was the quote on a Peanuts garbage can I had when I was a kid. I never forgot it! It means a lot to me when I get a smile, even a tired one from a stranger. I try to share a smile with women I encounter but not men. It makes me irrationally angry to feel compelled to smile at a man I don't know though I am always pleasant to avoid confrontation. I think as women we get more out of kindness from each other than from anyone else. I don't mean to bring gender into it but it's the elephant in the room for me.
You made me take a deep breath and lower my shoulders. I had a colleague at a previous job who recognized that stress signal; and she would say, "Get your shoulders out of your ears!" Remarkably effective way to re-set!