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I’m not the Valentine’s Day type. Classroom valentines were fun when the kids were little, but now that it’s just Rael and me … 💘🙄
I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade. Valentine’s Day is sweet enough — I’m just not into expressing my love under pressure to buy “last-minute” red-and-pink crap.
Send me a heart emoji and let’s call it good!
But I do wonder — okay, low-key worry — if this means I’m paying too little attention to romance.
Am I neglecting my marriage?
Am I neglecting myself?
Last weekend, Mom and I spent the evening eating take-out pizza and watching Queer Eye. I will never say a cynical word about QE or its Fab Five stars because they bring a smile to Mom’s face and renew her faith in humanity every time.
We met Ernest and Miranda, a New Orleans couple deep into their empty nesting years. These two clearly love each other, but they’d grown apart. Ernest basically lived in the garage, tinkering with his car and eating his own country cooking (think: barbecued raccoon).
Their adult daughter nominated Ernest for a makeover in the hopes of helping him find a way back to Miranda in time for their 39th wedding anniversary.
I don’t think I’m spoiling any surprises when I tell you they did.
(Zero dry eyes between Mom and me by the end! You really should watch it.)
Throughout the episode, we saw pictures of Ernest and Miranda during happier times — at their wedding, when their kids were babies. “Remember that guy?” said Antoni to Ernest, not unkindly.
“You’ve got to remind her why she married you.”
I appreciated Antoni’s point: that a lasting romantic connection requires careful, frequent tending. But when I think about the bigger picture, at least as it applies to me, I’m not sure the answer lies in the past.
The Asha and Rael who started down the path years ago aren’t us, in these bodies, right now. They didn’t know what we know now. They hadn’t raised two kids yet, nor did they have the benefit (or carry the bruises) of 30 years of memories.
There are hints to be found in the past, but the way “back” to each other begins in the present and points to the future.
Rael and I are in a good place, but thinking back on Ernest and Miranda, I’m a little chastened. I tell my husband I love him every day, and I’m nowhere near barbecuing any raccoons. But my Valentine’s Day grinchiness led me to squander perfectly teed-up opportunities to pull him close.
So why not today?
Valentine’s Day is as good a day as any. It doesn’t have to look like the Barbie Movie or a Victoria’s Secret catalog or involve a dozen roses.
I mean, who doesn’t love loving and being loved?
Why stop with romantic partners? Now I’m thinking about my friends, my Mom, my kids, and even Omar who owns the place where I’ve rented a PO box for over a decade. (I love going to my PO box because of Omar is always so kind and helpful.)
Imagine if all of us, on the same day, told that one person we love them, or we treasure their friendship, or we admire how they do their jobs, or we’re happier for knowing them?
The world would feel pretty great that day.
Maybe I am into Valentine’s Day after all.
💘,
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Thanks for this. I was just working on my post for Friday in which I talk a bit about my own Valentine's grinchiness. But I also posted a note yesterday about a tradition here in Portland, Maine that makes the day special every year. Since 1979, the Valentine's Day Bandit has crept out under cover of night and plastered downtown Portland with red hearts and giant heart banners, even out in the harbor on Fort Gorges. His name was Kevin Fahrman and he died last spring. His family started a foundation in his name (www.beakevin.com) and posted a replica of his heart for us all to print and carry on the tradition. And a new group of volunteers has pulled together to organize the effort every year. I'm not wild about the Hallmark side of the holiday. But the Valentine's Day Bandit is the kind of celebration I can get behind. It's all very hush-hush, but I may or may not have printed out a few hearts myself and run around after dark last night to post them. I was delighted today to see I was not the only one. https://www.pressherald.com/?p=7266639&uuid=a9da8a8f-e14f-4428-9af5-ad4246cf8f58&lid=8919
I find there is a romantic element to almost EVERY ONE of my platonic friendships. I love telling my friends I love them, sending them little cards and presents, voicenote lovenotes. Heather Havrilesky talked today in Ask Polly about falling in love over and over again with people, things, in all sorts of platonic ways.
I also love valentines day but only because I love EVERY holiday.
Happy Valentine's day, friend!! xxxx