Should I worry if my adult kid has never been on a date?
Parent of Adults Mailbag #1 📬✨
I’m thrilled to kick off the Mailbag, our new community Q&A series. Our first question comes from Puzzled Mom, who’s befuddled by her son’s lack of interest in dating. HIVE MIND ACTIVATE!
Do you have an empty nesting question or quandary? Send it in! Details in the Parent of Adults Mailbag FAQ.
Puzzled Mom asks:
I am not sure if my 19-year-old has ever been on a date. I myself was a late bloomer in that regard, so I wasn’t concerned when he decided not to date in high school. He said there wasn’t anyone he was interested in, and dating was expensive.
Now he’s in college, and he still isn’t dating. He says he wants to focus on his academics. He is developmentally typical except for this lack of dating experience. I am not even sure why I care about this, but I do.
Would love to hear from other parents who’ve experienced this. What did you do or say, if anything?
I can’t wait to hear your responses to Puzzled Mom! Comments will be open to all for two weeks rather than the usual one (with unlimited comment access for paid subscribers) as I’m taking next week off newsletter-writing for an impromptu Spring Break visit with my daughter. 🎉💃🏽 I’ll be in the comments with you, but the next newsletter will arrive on March 20.
Last thing! If you know someone who’d have good input, invite them to chime in. The more voices, the more helpful this becomes for all of us. 💛 - Asha
I don't think my college aged son has gone on a date since he started college (he 'dated' a girl briefly in high school, like three dates). I'm not concerned, because I know he does have a social life (letter writer: are you concerned he's not dating, or that he's not going out at all?).
I get wanting kids to learn the social graces in hand while they are young, like how to ask someone out, treat someone well, negotiate a relationship, etc. But I guess I'd rather my son have fun with his friends and not worry about him being in an actual relationship right now (only two of his friends have girlfriends, and they've basically been together since their freshman year).
Each of my kids has been different on dating interest. It took me a bit to get over my own anxiety about this, which was entirely conditioning from my own upbringing.
The two who are in relationships took different routes. One dated through high school, and eventually found a good match and is still dating them in college. The other didn't date at all until 20, and then started dating someone they'd known as a friend for years. They already knew each other well, communicated well, and were super compatible. I was the celebrant for their wedding, and my first grandchild is due in May. So.
The other two, one dabbled in dating and then was like eh, nah. The other just was never interested in dating, but has some close platonic friendships. Neither is lonely.
How they are approaching their romantic/partnership/sexual lives is different from what was possible for me, for all of them. But it seems to be centered and whole. So, I'm going to not argue with it. I just acknowledge that they live in a world I will never inhabit. I fret a little now and then, and then let it go.
They're in charge, and they're better judges of their bandwidth and interests than I am. It's another type of transition, which means I thrash a bit and have a lot of doubts about whether I did everything right enough in preparation. And then things move that are beyond my control, and life proceeds.