Will the real adult please stand up?

Making my way through Parent & Family Weekend

We’re cute, sure, but those photo bombers…

I just got home from Parent & Family Weekend at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis. Now that my post-visit blues have (mostly) faded, the experience has settled into something richer than just a fun visit with my daughter, Mirabai.

Perhaps it’s because I almost didn’t go. My psychological plate is full helping my Mom move from her Northern California home of 50+ years (the house I grew up in) to a retirement community near me in Portland. Parent & Family Weekend bumped up against Mom’s move date, so it seemed nuts to squeeze in a trip to the Midwest.

Mom & I went to Crater Lake in Oregon in July

But my gut kept nudging. I felt tantrum-y about the prospect of missing the event. There are so few opportunities to share my kids’ college lives. And I still haven’t gotten over the COVID obliteration of Mirabai’s high school junior- and senior years and the loss of parental experiences I felt I was owed by the universe. I wanted to grab this joy, even if it meant sitting through “What’s In a Major?” panels and eating mediocre appetizers with a hundred other families. I wanted to celebrate my daughter’s resilience. Witness her becoming.

Could my Mom delay her move by a week so I could go? Yes. Could I handle the emotional whiplash of a visit with my much-missed daughter immediately followed by ten days in California managing Mom’s move and saying goodbye to my childhood home? Unclear. I spent several days in overthinking hell but with encouragement from Mom, Rael and my adventurous friend, Anna, I finally bought a flight ticket to MSP. I didn’t know how I’d manage it all, but at least I was going.

Parent & Family Weekend is sort of like the college version of Back to School Night; a cheerful parade of events that introduces parents to their kid’s new home turf.

This is Mirabai’s sophomore year, so I’m already familiar with the big picture of her college life. She loves her school and has a fantastic on-campus job and wonderful roommates. But she’s also neck-deep in the academic grind. The surreal “back to normal,” post-COVID-even-though-we’re-not-post-COVID cultural moment feels discordant to her. And she’s on a journey of self-discovery, asking difficult questions without clear answers.

As much as we craved light-hearted fun, we skipped most of the official programming and spent hours on her couch. Mirabai needed grounding and reassurance. Turns out, I did, too. Managing Mom’s move has dredged up all my “I’m not a real grown-up, I just play one on TV” insecurities. I haven’t even considered how I feel about the end of this chapter in my Mom’s life and mine. 

Mom’s in no condition to comfort me. Not that she wouldn’t want to, but she’s contending with a formidable health problem plus her own fear and grief. So many of us are trudging forward dragging a heavy tangle of losses from the last few years. Will we ever unravel them?

Comforting Mirabai softened my kid-like longing for rescue and reminded me of my competence. Maybe I am a grown-up after all.

We didn’t miss everything during Parent & Family Weekend. We gawked at a mind-shifting exhibit at the Weissman Art museum on campus. I met Mirabai’s brilliant friends and coworkers. I wandered among the brick buildings and bought some overpriced swag so we could wear school colors to the Golden Gophers football game the next day.

My son, Sam, is in his last semester of college across the river in St. Paul (how lucky am I that they’re near each other?). He joined us at the game. School spirit was everywhere: the goofy mascot that looks more like a muscular chipmunk than a gopher, the blaring marching band trumpets, the spunky athleticism of the cheerleaders, even the smell of spilled stadium beer. We faked our way through crowd cheers and the kids ridiculed me when when I misspelled M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A.

(I love that college rah-rah shit. I draw the line at wearing a “University of Minnesota Mom” t-shirt, but otherwise, BRING IT ON.)

We were all quote-unquote adults together. I wonder if the whole experience helped me most of all.

Did any of you go to a Parent & Family Weekend? I’d love to hear how it went.

PS. I forgot to tell you! The campus festivities included an “Early Voting Day” booth. Mirabai got a free ride to the polls IN A STRETCH LIMO. Have you talked to your adults about voting? I shared thoughts on how you might go about it in this post.

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