The Birthdaythanksgivingholiday season is underway over here, more a block on the calendar than a set of traditions. I love that low-key flexibility (no holiday stress), but I also wonder if I dropped a ball on holiday traditions when the kids were little.
The older they (and I) get, the smaller the worry, but it still creeps in at this time of year.
Part of empty nesting for me is letting go of past parenting choices (and non-choices), along with any lingering guilt about them.
For example, had I known then what I know now, I would have been more committed to annual holiday traditions. No Norman Rockwell Thanksgivings or extravagant holiday decor; just the little quirky things that marked the season for us.
We celebrate Hanukkah. We light the menorah, and sometimes we eat noodle kugel and latkes with applesauce and sour cream. Every now and then we get a tree, but it’s rare.
I also have a collection of snowflake ornaments. I like to hang the snowflakes around our living room in early December. The ornaments are my personal delight more than a family tradition, per se. But someone has always been willing to pitch in when I needed help reaching the corner molding.
I love my snowflake ornaments. They run the gamut from cheap plastic to delicate glass and elegant beadwork. I’ve collected them over many years — always purchased half-price on December 26 (ever my frugal Dad’s daughter).
Some years I hang the ornaments with great flourish and enthusiasm. But other years, I get lazy and leave them in the basement with a shrug and a weak promise of eh, next year.
Now I wish I’d committed to hanging my ornaments every year. I have new appreciation for rituals — how they move time out of the realm of schedules and productivity and into our cells. Repeating traditions embodies the passage of years. This feels especially important given the warping of pandemic time + my kids’ now-adulthood.
In the scheme of things, my snowflakes aren’t a big deal. But it feels right to recognize the importance of these tiny efforts. Doing so opens the door to change, even if it comes with a twinge of regret.
Speaking of traditions, THANK YOU for sharing your wonderful birthday suggestions in the comments of last week’s post!
I loved hearing the creative ways you’ve celebrated. Some highlights:
Caroline gave 40 gifts to strangers for their 40th birthday.
- spend solo time in a forest cabin.
Em hosted a Netflix watch party of Dirty Dancing for friends all over the world. 💃🏽
Kara is hosting a virtual yoga class for friends for an upcoming birthday!
My birthday celebration (Part 1!) was a delicious dinner with Rael, Mom, and Sam, who managed to get a few days off work and flew in for a short visit.
Sam and I stayed up late into the night chatting and laughing as our feet warmed by the fire. We covered vast ground in the effortless way of the best conversations: friends, jobs, submersible disasters, the Cantonese grandpa on YouTube from whom Sam’s learning to cook, the shifting sands of language, Rael’s lingering cough, and the line between healthy boundaries and emotional walls (and the discovery that there’s no fixed line, it’s more like a zone).
“You can’t really talk people into change,” Sam mused. “All you can do is be with them as they change.”
🥹
He’s 24. His lived experience is already bringing forth a wisdom and intelligence that’s nothing short of ❤️💥.
There’s a Part II to my birthday celebration which I’ll tell you about once it happens.
Let’s keep talking about our traditions and rituals: I LOVE hearing your take on this stuff.
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May your holiday season be off to a lovely start. See you next week.
Love,
My 14yo son and I make cookies most years. Some years it's just one batch of sugar cookies and other years we go all out, depending on energy levels. But each year, I ask him what requests he has for the holiday season and the two things are decorate a tree and make cookies.
The first Christmas season of COVID, my office created a holiday lights scavenger hunt we could all do at our respective quarantined homes. We drove around and took pics of various items as a contest (white light-up deer, Santa on a roof, Mrs. Claus, the Grinch, etc.). It was STUPID FUN. Each year since then I've campaigned to do it again, but it's not as fun as that first time.
I'm curious if you think having more traditions would be more for your benefit or your kids'? I try to have traditions, but I end up altering things each year...it's a lot of work for the mom (always the mom) to come up with and reinforce traditions, so I often fall back on "well at least we did SOMETHING." But I also wonder if I'll regret not having more consistent traditions. We too celebrate Hanukkah, and it being different days each year is tough. I often just reschedule it to a more convenient week when we can be together for all the nights. Probably blasphemous but it's what I need to do to make it work!