"Can we just *not* talk about politics?"
My approach to political conversations at Parent of Adults
I wrote this about a year before the 2024 US election so readers knew what to expect when it came to political talk at Parent of Adults.
Well, the election’s behind us now and a lot has changed, but my approach to political conversation hasn’t changed at all. Here’s the updated piece, edited for timing.
I’d like to address the elephant (and donkey) in the room: how (and how much) I’ll talk about politics in this newsletter.
I know for many (most?) of us, political talk is as appealing as touching a hot stove. I also know not all of you share my political views, nor are all of you American. But please keep reading, especially if you don’t know me well. I want to be clear about my approach to political topics so we’re all on the same page.
How about we just not talk about politics?
I don’t intend to focus on politics in this newsletter! We need regular breaks from the news cycle and the algorithmic churn. (I definitely do.)
Political talk risks veering into toxic territory, pushing us toward heart-pounding anxiety and/or immobilizing despair OR self-congratulatory fist-pumping and/or blind pitchfork-wielding mania.
Both of these things are true. And!
Political stuff is part of the parent-of-adults experience, and I want us to be able to talk about it.
(Hear me out.)
On Inauguration Day, my family group chat blew up. My kids (25 and 21) wanted to discuss what they were seeing and hearing. They wanted to know what we thought — as their parents, but also as discerning news readers and civic participants.
They had a lot to say. Rael and I did, too. Memes and emojis flew back and forth. We got into some real talk about the state of the country. We didn’t agree on everything, but I was proud that they cared so much. I walked away with a better grasp on what they face.
This is their future.
Like it or not, this is the moment our kids are setting out into adulthood, and this is the political environment they’re entering. I’m not willing to hide from that reality.
Which brings me back to this newsletter. I want this to be a place where we can learn from and support** each other as we navigate this environment as parents of newly-hatched adults.
You don’t have to comment on or even read every post, but I want you to know this is a place where we can talk. I trust** we can do so in a productive way.
** “Support” doesn’t mean “agree on everything” and “trust” doesn’t mean “no moderation.” See below.
What if we don’t agree with each others’ politics? Or we sort of agree, but not on the details?
Outrage is useful for grabbing attention and gaining social media traction by over-emphasizing extremes. This feeds an us-vs.-them narrative cycle that keeps us fighting with each other. Meanwhile, the politicians and power brokers watch from their box seats. As we squabble, they place their bets and toast themselves over the theater of it all.
It’s all very Hunger Games.
Well, I’m not falling for that divide-and-conquer bullshit.
If you’re kind, open-minded, and respectful, you’re welcome here. Period.
Here’s what I said when
interviewed me for her book The Lightmaker’s Manifesto:Kindness — going into a conversation with a generous assumption of good intent — is, for me, a conscious decision to push against…people in power who are trying to drive wedges between us. [I won’t be turned] into some puppet in their little ‘us vs. them’ war — a war I don’t even believe in.
If you and I care about our kids’ futures, we’re on the same side. We might not agree on the best way to do that, but that’s not a problem. That’s democracy.
The problem is when people treat each other like caricatures or slogans.
(That this even needs to be said shows how poisonous political tribalism can be.)
You, me, most of us here — we’re thoughtful, multifaceted individuals juggling our own mix of ease and hardship. We understand that life is mostly nuance and “grey area.” (The entire span of my parenting has taken place in a grey area.)
We’re a community of readers, and together we’re building a culture of mutual trust and support.
We know how to hold things in common without having to agree on everything. We know how to discuss differences of opinion without vilifying each other. If we start to feel overwhelmed, we know how to step away and care for ourselves.
Most of us already know to behave with basic respect. If someone isn’t familiar with the norms or the lingo, they can learn and try again — even here, on the Internet! If, after a do-over, it’s clear they’re here to spout off rather than engage, they’re out.
(That’s where good quality moderation comes in, which is why I get paid the big bucks.)
I’m not totally naive. We live in toxic times. I’ve limited the comment window and archive access for a reason. But social media and the 24-hour news cycle distort our view of real life. This newsletter is an outpost of reality, where real people can gather, be interested in each other, talk, even respectfully disagree. It’s not that hard.
I didn’t start this newsletter to talk about politics. This isn’t the Us-vs.-Them Accords nor am I secretly constructing a political megaphone. I started this newsletter so we could compare notes on this exciting and confusing stage of parenting.
It so happens that this exciting and confusing stage of parenting overlaps with a politically-charged moment in history.
So be it. Let’s meet the moment by trusting each other.
Comments are open to all for one week after publication. Paid subscribers have unlimited access to the comments + the full archive.
NOTES OF NOTE
One of my trusted communities is
. and go way beyond intelligent political commentary; they give voice to the greater human experience. I come away from every podcast better informed and warmed to the core. Their newsletter is top-notch, too.The Lightmaker’s Manifesto by Karen Walrond (which I mentioned earlier) is about how to work for change without losing your joy. It’s a framework I return to most. Get yourself a copy. Even better, read it with friends. Book info at Amazon and Bookshop.org.
I use affiliate links when I link to merchants, which means I earn a small commission from purchases at no cost to you. Here’s my policy.
FROM THE ARCHIVES
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Thanks for reading Parent of Adults. I’m Asha Dornfest, a Portland, Oregon-based author & parent of two young adults, and this newsletter is my invitation to compare notes on life beyond the empty nest.
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Another stress reduction tactic: I just unsubscribed from every political & campaign mailing list, and searched/deleted all their emails from my inbox. (It took about an hour.) My political engagement includes donating to causes/campaigns I want to support; *not* being buried in email.
One thing for me that will be interesting with an 18 and a 21 year old is that they all of a sudden (kidding) have their own political opinions that don’t always align exactly with mine. Learning to have uncomfortable conversations, knowing when to push back, and also listening to them and learning from them are all part of my plan as I dive into 2024.